Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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