guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
