he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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