I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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