it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Randomize
