i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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