her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
