I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
