Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
