woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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