both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
