laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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