Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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