somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
