apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
