I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
