Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
