Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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