Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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