i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
