If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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