You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Randomize
