just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
