as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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