Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
