I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
