my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
