Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
