Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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