i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
