Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
It was like getting head from an anaconda
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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