Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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