youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
