Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
