you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
