We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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