my phone needs a breathalizer
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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