just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
