I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
