Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
