Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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