I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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