Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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