Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Randomize
