I could have mohawked her pubes.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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