I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
