did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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