Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
