I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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