Non-Jews are for practice
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
