what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
