So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
