Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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