what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
